Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in the middle of my plate and food does not stake
a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do
I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not
a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized
bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I
will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance
is not required
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the
other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this
enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
"fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on
all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids
because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
1 0 . Don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their
children.
